I know I over think things but perhaps thats part of what it is to be trans, I keep running yesterdays interview over and over in my head, it was so clear they knew at the start infact the MD who was interviewing me couldnt bring himself to look at me, he just looked all around him, it is clear that although I think I pass but I clearly don't pass that well which is ok, to be the object of people "double taking" or being thought of as less however really hurts.
When I arrived at the interview I realised, I now had to prove myself so much more, I have never felt so drained after an interview it felt like I gave 300% yesterday and I knew I had to give my best performance, knowing that if I was "Tim" and walking in there I would have breezed the interview as always was the case in the past, instead I felt as if I had to be able to prove that despite being trans that my capabilities were the same, I came away feeling desponant, thinking about how about the thoughts that run through people heads as I walk past them in the street.
It's fine for friends and allies to encourage and praise you but the reality of it is I used to be a dude, the public will always treat and react to me differently wether or not they accept who I am.
Time will tell how I did but I fear my gender identity and sexuality were the talk of the office once I left, knowing my genitals, pro-nouns and bathrooms would be the topic of the coffee room chit chat.
So here's the deal, I hate being seen as trans (I don't hate being trans just being seen as trans and the reactions that go with it) and I hate being seen as a freak but I have to somehow find the positive in all of this and move forward.
What is interesting is how I felt much more at ease in Nova Scotia than I feel here, I felt so much Safer in Nova Scotia than I feel here, so that is the thing, I was not wrong when I said I felt at risk should I have to return to the UK, The fact is that there is alot to be done here in terms of the public looking at trans people as just people.
The first giveaway is always confidence. It's not necessarily the only one, but it's almost always the first. And that much is fixable. Relax, remember your skill set, your strengths and what you have to offer a business, and don't worry about lesser things you can't control. Even if you're read as trans for any reason, the confidence, surety that you belong there, surety that you'd be an asset to them, etc. will often convince people of those very same points.
ReplyDeleteOf course, confidence isn't always easy to have (or else to fake), but you'll get there.
Thanks Mercedes, Confidence isn't something I lack but at times it get's a little Dented and Blue ;)
ReplyDeleteIt is usually post events rather than during, i put all my energy into making him feel comfortable and as the interview went on his comfort increased and he was thus able to make eye contact with me. it was a very unsettling experience but i don't show those things at the time. I just over analyse after..
I consider the interview a success and will be suprised if i'm not invited back, it's just that trans people have to prove themselves so much more.
It really makes me understand what women felt and still do to some extent, to have to prove themselves capable and for us it's even more so the case.
I have just been short listed for this job which is good, so now to stress over a presentation, and what to bloody wear lol. losing lots of weight is good though perhaps my clothes will fit next week.
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