Sun, Sea and Anxiety

Yesterday I went for a short walk to the beach, it was the first time I had been outside since my job interview. The Job interview really took so much out of me and knocked my confidence more than I realised, I had to force myself to go out as I was increasingly depressed and isolating myself further from the world.

By the time I had reached the beach I felt so stressed but took my time and carried on walking along the promenade trying to think of the wonderful smells instead of what the world thought of me. As I was walking I started to hear raised voices and saw these two men getting more and more agressive towards each other, One of the men was a skinny tall guy in his early twenties with a skate board in his hand and the other guy was other and looked like he was with a group of roadies setting up a stage on the sea front for an upcoming event. The young guy was angry because he was losing his place to Skateboard despite there being miles upon miles of space to Skateboard on Brighton Sea Front.
I can't understand why men feel this need to be territorial and be violent, it serves no purpose.

I wonder is Testosterone to blame or Nurture vs Nature. I can only speak from my own experiences having been born with males components that testosterone is not to blame and that it's more about Nuture and Male Privilege. I certainly never behaved in such fashion when Testosterone was coarsing through my veins.

Then of course we have the public who stop to watch this spectacle and it becomes a side show of spectators shaking their heads saying how awful people behave yet they don't even look at their own behavour of stopping and gawking.

I feel sad that humanity really doesn't have much humanity when it comes to men (not all men but a huge number of in my experience), they are only interested in power which is sad. I do have good male friends but they are all gay/queer, not that gay men don't fight but it's different.

Anyway i'm rambling, I just felt unsettled by the whole event and so came straight home back to my safe space.

I wonder if i'm suffering from mild Agrophobia, I find that I increasingly wish to remove myself from this cruel world, I will however continue to push myself and try to gain the confidence I seem to have lost that I had back in Canada where I felt safe and could walk down any street with confidence, I truely feel like a fish out of water here.

I guess the other part of my insecurity revolves around my deep feeling of loss of my community and dear friends.

A Job Interview

I know I over think things but perhaps thats part of what it is to be trans, I keep running yesterdays interview over and over in my head, it was so clear they knew at the start infact the MD who was interviewing me couldnt bring himself to look at me, he just looked all around him, it is clear that although I think I pass but I clearly don't pass that well which is ok, to be the object of people "double taking" or being thought of as less however really hurts.

When I arrived at the interview I realised, I now had to prove myself so much more, I have never felt so drained after an interview it felt like I gave 300% yesterday and I knew I had to give my best performance, knowing that if I was "Tim" and walking in there I would have breezed the interview as always was the case in the past, instead I felt as if I had to be able to prove that despite being trans that my capabilities were the same, I came away feeling desponant, thinking about how about the thoughts that run through people heads as I walk past them in the street.

It's fine for friends and allies to encourage and praise you but the reality of it is I used to be a dude, the public will always treat and react to me differently wether or not they accept who I am.

Time will tell how I did but I fear my gender identity and sexuality were the talk of the office once I left, knowing my genitals, pro-nouns and bathrooms would be the topic of the coffee room chit chat.

So here's the deal, I hate being seen as trans (I don't hate being trans just being seen as trans and the reactions that go with it) and I hate being seen as a freak but I have to somehow find the positive in all of this and move forward.

What is interesting is how I felt much more at ease in Nova Scotia than I feel here, I felt so much Safer in Nova Scotia than I feel here, so that is the thing, I was not wrong when I said I felt at risk should I have to return to the UK, The fact is that there is alot to be done here in terms of the public looking at trans people as just people.

Roller Coaster

I woke a couple of days ago with this overwhelming feeling of melancholy, It's such a huge adjustment and I was feeling so so home sick, I've never felt that before, a city and community has never engrained itself in my life as Halifax, Nova Scotia has, such a massive loss, coupled with the uncertainty of a new Country / City and having to build all those connections and friends again.

Things are improving though as I adjust, to living in a new city, getting out and about, pushing my comfort zone. Finally found a flat which I move into in a couple of days which is a great relief. It’s small compared to what I was used to in Canada but it is in a good area just 20 mins walk from the centre of the Gay district.

For the last 2 days I’ve been hanging out with a friend from Canada who’s been on a tour of the British Isles so that’s been so much fun, going on the Roller Coaster at the pleasure beach, as well as Sea Life and the Pavillion etc.. So it’s been great and I feel so much happier, Except I now have a massive cold which I probably caught on the plane.

The Sandwich

Today was one of those days, Good News, Bad News and Good times.

I met with the Brighton Pride Board Trustees and became a Board Trustee.

Shortly after recieved I recieved an email from my mother saying they would not support me as acting guarantors for the flat I was going to rent so i'm not sure where I now stand with this, hopefully I can negotiate with the landlord if not this will likely be a barrier to being able to rent any property and therefore could be at risk but we will see.

Thankfully i spent the rest of the afternoon and early evening having a few drinks with my new Pride Board friends @ Legends ..

That is all for today, i'm left with mixed feelings but optimistic about my future despite my parents choice as i'm highly adaptable.

New Beginnings Brighton Day 2

I'm not much of a writer which will become evident but it's just an easy way for me to document each day of my life in the hope to pull it all together 1 day for a book or script.

I'm Tanya Katherine Bloomfield originally born with male components,  i'm a 42 year old Trans woman from Northern Ireland who's now living in Brighton UK. I just moved to Brighton 2 days ago after having lived in Nova Scotia for the last 5 years.

Nova Scotia is a wonderful place, infact Canada is a wonderful place,  the people are so friendly, open, accepting and posess a true sense of community spirit. Sadly the Government there is mainly run by biggoted egotistical asshats with a Narcissistic leader who dictator style leadership is making Canada a worse place to live.

After 5 years of sheer hell trying to immigrate there I decided to pull the plug and return home to the UK ( I'll write more on the truth of the last 5 years once i get fully settled.)

Yesterday was my first day here in Brighton and I feel elated, the people seem friendly, the city is culturally vibrant a stark difference to the predominantly caucasian Nova Scotia, it feels like a great place to be, the city feels like it doesn't sleep, there is always noise which is strange to adjust to from the quiet of suburban Halifax non the less it is weirdly like Halifax built on the side of a hill facing the ocean with a population of around 400,000.

On the trans subject I don't think people care here, I walked through much of the city yesterday and didn't feel that I was being stared at infact if anything people seemed welcoming, I dropped into to a couple of the local gay bars, they were lovely people, infact in one place they gave me a G&T on the house!! Cool I have a feeling i'm going to like living here.

Yesterday morning I made my first mistake though trying to use my trusty hairdrier, only to discover that it was not the smartest thing to do as I nearly set the B&B on fire lol. Note to self: Do NOT plug 110V Hairdryer into 240V Socket!! Singed hair and much smoke results! Oh and must remember cars drive on the left!